i had a plan for myself. i had mapped out the rest of my life. was God the center of my plan? no. did He have a say in my plan? no. was i being selfish? duh.
⇒my plan 8 months ago: graduate college 6 months early (dec. 2011), get married right after, move to my husband's hometown, work for my husband's family business, have children, and live a miserable, trapped, depressed life.
yep, this was my plan. sound appealing? ...yeah, i didn't think so. but this was what i thought i wanted. this is what a man had put into my head and because of my need to please him and because of my crazy love for him and blindness of all things smart, i wanted these things too. more than i had ever wanted anything before.
scary huh? especially if you knew the way this man treated me. the things he said to me, the bad influence he had on me, the control he had over EVERY aspect of my life, and the fighting. the fighting was the worse...every single day—him screaming, me screaming back, him cussing, me crying, him not caring, and me hopelessly, stupidly still in love with him. letting him treat me this way, letting him walk all over me, letting him make every decision for me, letting him force me into things i didn't want to do. he had taken over God's role in my life. he was the center of my life, the only one i cared for, he had all of my heart, and God had none of it.
i knew this was wrong. i knew it all was wrong. relationships weren't supposed to be this way. this was my first ever serious relationship, but i knew this wasn't how they were supposed to go. i had to get out. i had to free myself from this hole i was trapped in. but how?
well it took me 6 months. SIX MONTHS to cut him out of my life. i was weak. i couldn't do it. it was the hardest thing i had ever done. but i couldn't have done it without God. He finally intervened and it was definitely a miracle. i was stupid, but God gave me salvation. He gave me the opportunity to finally leave him and i took it. God allowed me to make a new life for myself, a new plan—he rewrote the text of my life.
"God made my life complete
when I placed all the pieces before him.
When I got my act together,
he gave me a fresh start.
Now I'm alert to God's ways;
I don't take God for granted.
Every day I review the ways he works;
I try not to miss a trick.
I feel put back together,
and I'm watching my step.
God rewrote the text of my life
when I opened the book of my heart to his eyes."
When I got my act together,
he gave me a fresh start.
Now I'm alert to God's ways;
I don't take God for granted.
Every day I review the ways he works;
I try not to miss a trick.
I feel put back together,
and I'm watching my step.
God rewrote the text of my life
when I opened the book of my heart to his eyes."
~Psalms 18:20-24
looking back, i am so thankful that God gave me a way out. i was so close to ending up miserable forever. it's scary to think about. this is even scarier to think about: the boy who almost stole my life found someone else to be his little puppet. he is already getting married and having a baby...3 months after we broke up. if you don't think that's a miracle then i don't know what else is. all i can think about is: that could have been me. but thanks to God it isn't.
now, i am at the best place in my life with Jesus. my relationship with him gets stronger everyday. i can't wait to see what he has in store for my life now—now that my plan involves only Him. the way it always should have been ✝
